what does it mean?

You did something to get my attention yesterday before you left. what did it mean? its been driving me a little mad, because when you did that, I got that feeling like there was something from the old days. The look on your face... it just wasn't how you've been recently. I think you wanted to say something else, but it was an awkward pause. then you asked about something random.. so I just don't know what to think. I am regretting this snow day... I was sort of looking forward to seeing if something would happen today.

Am I on your mind too?
My sixth sense is telling me its a possibility.

floating higher than any hot air balloon...

AHHH I still cant believe what happened to me yesterday. I got a scholarship! And not just some dinky scholarship, THEY PICKED ME as a semi-finalist for the MONSTERS show!!!!!!! My hard work yesterday paid off.

Monsters of Contemporary:

First off, scholarship aside, the convention was awesome. It was a one day event with some of the most talented contemporary choreographers out there. We started the day off with Will Wingfield (from SYTYCD) who taught us ways to warm our bodies up. Then he taught us a combo to this really intense version of Lux Aeterna which was really hard but so fun.

Next we had Wes Veldink. One word: LOOVEE. We had him at West Coast Dance Explosion a few years ago and I loved him there too, but yesterday we did a combo to taxi by kate nash which gave him automatic points from me. and the combo was awessommmeee.

After lunch they had a seminar thing where the talked to us about auditions and gave advice about what to do if you want to be the LA dancer. we came in kind of late from lunch so I didnt hear everything but it was pretty inspiring.

Next was class with SONYA TAYEH<33 we did this crazy combo to bodies hit the floor by dj sega. i loved the combo and i was going so full out but when I had to get on stage at the end of the day to be taped, I kind of didn't remember the dance due to my nerves. I didnt mess up too bad on stage but man I've never been so nervous in my entire life.


Next was Jillian Meyers. The class was different to say the least, but I couldn't ignore how amazing the syncapation of her moves flowed with the music. I've never danced like that before but it was really cool.

Last but not least we had Matt Cady from Fanny pack. He was pretty cool but his choreography was kind of tricky. I liked it though it looked really neat on some people.

The bad part about getting picked was that I didn't get to watch any of the faculty's solos or the special performance from fanny pack :[ Oh well I think what I got was definately worth it. It was my first scholarship ever. I think the thing that calmed me down back stage was when sonya was about to go do her solo and she was saying how she hated doing that becasue she was so nervous. It made me feel a lot better... well I've never been so happy wiht myself. now I just have to wait a few months to find out if this will go any further. It'd be neat if it did, but I'm not expecting anything.

Back to reality tomorrow

desperate to stay healthy

I really don't want to get the stomach flu. I'm praying it doesn't come to me tonight. If it does I will be miserable. I took a sip of jess's drink last night and at 4 am she started throwing up. So I'm most likely going to catch it... just don't know when. I need some new inspiration on life. I don't know where to go from here. I want so many things right now, but I don't know how to start. Today was the last day of the semester. Which means I stop having a class with him. This could be good for me or it could be bad. I don't know what to think. I'm going to baltimore tomorrow... that is if I dont get the stomach flu.

Wandering Star- Portishead. Can't stop listening to it. Its just a chill song with a cool beat. I like it, I like it a lot. If I don't get sick, IM TAKING CLASS FROM SONYA TAYEH thats the coolest thing ever!

a new tomorrow waiting for today

I still don't know what dancing to do this summer. I LOVELOVELOVE point park, but the smallest voice in my head is telling me to do something different this year. I probably won't go anywhere other than pittsburgh. Everything else seems so expensive. I'd love to go out west though and try some stuff out in LA. I'll definately be going to NYC and taking some classes at broadway dance center. Still undecided about whether or not to do the Rockette intensive. It'd be neat but I'm not cut out for rockette stuff. I'm way more contemporaryish. Everyone is obamaobamaobama. My science teacher refused to let us watch the inauguration today I was kind of mad. But ohh well. I'm in the middle of Breakign Dawn... for the third time through. I cant wait to be done with it so I can finally say I've read the series three times through total. Then I'll work on cycle # 4. But first I have a LOT more to read. After breaking dawn, I'm either going to finish Helter Skelter, or start reading the Host or the Hunger Games. I need to read the Lovely Bones again because I kind of forget what its about. I need to read Withering Heights, and I want to read Pride and Prejudice. I reallly want to read 'the reader' and 'into the wild' at some point as well. There's just so much on my list that I need to get through. But it's hard cause I am half way through Helter Skelter and I can't finish it. I hate not finishing books.
still waiting for lovelovelove
goodnight

the world works in such weird ways

I was at work tonight and I heard a little boy say something intellectual. It threw me off because I'm used to hearing little boys talk about imaginary stuff or race cars. It made me think about how great the world was when I was little. I didn't have to worry about hormones, I didn't have to worry about my weight, I didn't have to worry about getting good grades or when I'm going to take my SATs. I know that 5 years from now I'll be looking back saying man I wish I was 16 again the world was such a simpler place. I think I'm just an old soul. I think I have my moments where I'm a teenager, but most of the time I feel like I'm a 50 year old woman. I feel like a 50 year old woman who hasn't found love and is very lonely. I know I have years to find somebody, but its turning into a constant thought. The fear of being alone... or more specifically the fear of not falling in love. My life aspirations are split. there's one side of me that wants to meet the most amazing man and have a huge family fairly young. The other side of me wants to go out and be a successful business woman and change the world. These two aspirations definately do not clash. meanwhile I'm struggling with what to do about him. Last year when we decided we were done for good, I didn't really think it was serious. I just kind of assumed we'd get over it eventually, but as of now I really am starting to think that wong happen. Everyone is getting sick of this, including myself, but I need someone to talk to about it. I cant talk to him about it because he still likes her and I dont think it'd do any good other than just make it extremely awkward. Why cant this be simpler?

part 2.

Today did nothing to make me feel better. I decided I wasn't going to try to hang out with you, yet you still came over and sat with me. That did bad things to my emotions. Of course when you did that my heart leaped from my chest. Why do you do this to me? I just want to tell you how I feel, but I know that really won't do much good. I just wish she wasn't in the picture. This would all be a lot easier. Actually it wouldn't be much of an issue. I want you to know. I want someone to tell you, and I want you to care. I want you to really think about it and realize maybe this would be what's best for you. We only have one more year of highschool. I'm terrified I'm going to lose my chance. I always thought we'd be together again at least senior year. The thought that it may not happen scares me. What do I do next? Do I ask a mutual friend to bring it up and make you feel stupid for not realizing? Or should I write you a letter? A letter sounds so formal. This is definately not that. Why do things like this have to be so incredibly difficult?

Until I make my decision....

reaching out

I've been wanting to tell you this for a while.
I would do anything for you. You've probably noticed that to an extent. But what you don't realize is that I would do ANYTHING for you. If you needed to go somewhere and you had no way to get there, I'd find a way to get you there. If you needed something I'd find a way to get it for you.
And here I am. You still love your ex girlfriend who never deserved you in the first place. I care so much about you being happy that I'd rather you be with her than still be miserable.
But what I want most for you is for you to come to ME when things are wrong. I want you to find comfort in me. I want you to be able to talk to me. And I find it so annoying because you DONT UNDERSTAND. You don't realize I've liked you for a solid 5 years now. You dont understand why every time we dated it was so awkward. It was because I was so worried I'd do something wrong and mess it up. I understand why everyone is confused about why I like you. I am too, actually. But I cant do anything about it. You'd probably say 'move on,' but that's what I'd like to say to you about her. I care about you too much to see you go through this. I don't want to hear about her. I want you to wake up and realize how much I'm here for you and how much you appreciate it. I want you to want to be with me. And I think thats where my sadness is coming from- you're the reason I've been acting so weird. It's not because I'm lost, or that I'm changing. I'm scared I've lost you forever. The one that I counted on- I think you've moved on for good. And I don't know what to do.

reoccuring dream

I keep having this dream that I have a stalker. I looked it up in a dream dictionary and it said that I'm opressing something on my mind. I can't think about what that could be though, so I must be pretty good at it. I'm cyber chatting with my friend from California!!! this is pretty neat.

One of the Best Weekends

I am officiall danced out. This weekend was amazing. Taking class from Mia Michaels is always such an inspiring event. That was the 3rd time I've taken from her... I LOVED her combo. It was very contemporary with some really weird movements in it but it was beautiful to watch. Her assistant was an asian guy who had long hair and to me really looked like Onch from Paris hilton's bff. He may have been the most rediculous dancer I've ever seen in my entire life. When we had to improve for like 3 minutes, he spent a whole two minutes just finding different ways to move his hand.

I have to say this weekend did something to me. It was like I was handed something, but I just don't know how to use it yet. Maybe it was a new found inspiration that just hasn't been cultivated yet.

Funny story. Last night on the ride home Andreas mom rolled down the window to pay a toll. As we pulled away, she realized the window wouldn't go back up. So we had to stop somewhere and shut a blanket in the door. We drove 3 hours with a blanket flapping out the window, but it kept us a little warmer.

I was sitting in the back seat of the car, and I had my comforter thrown over me to keep warm. Out of the corner, I could see out the window and the moon was so amazing. It was so bright it lit the night and shone through all of the clouds that tried to cover it. I feel so philisophical lately. I want so many things. I want one of those people who you can't live with out. I desperately want that. It seems that the things you want the most take the longest to come to you. I'm only 16 and that's almost all I ever think about. I'm too different. I'm finding it harder and harder to be a normal kid, and I feel kinda bad about it. But maybe that's for the best? Maybe that's the natural path my life is supposed to take.

I have to shop online for a few birthday presents now.
Goodnight, thanks for listening

Real World

I love the Real World. I want to be on it. I'm currently putting off packing for Atlantic City. I'm so excited to go. I just hate packing. We're leaving tomorrow at 10 Am so we can beat the traffic in philly... everyone else is leaving after school so no one will be there till like 10. Just because Jessica Simpson's skin became perfect from proactive, does that mean I should buy it? No. I'm happy Whitney and Jay started dating on The City. I'm a huge reality tv fan currently. I hate people who get custom icons made with their boyfriend's name on them. I really don't have anything intellectual to say tonight... Tonight at dance everyone kept asking me if I was okay. It was weird I don't really know why they kept asking. I felt pretty fine, except that my mind was elsewhere. Oh well.

I'll probably write tomorrow night if internet service is free.
Night

paying in naivety

Still can't stop listening to patd. I think its the lyrics. Today was very unproductive. I should have gotten some stuff done, but I didn't. I went to julias and hung out, then had dance. It was nice having a snow day, but this week has been really unimportant in my life. One more day of school then leaving for atlantic city. I'm so excited to see my friend from ppu. I feel like this may be an escape from all that I'm dealing with mentally. Physically I'm not going through anything out of the ordinary. But mentally its like I'm breaking down and dissolving into something new. I've just gotten stuck on the dessolving and havent turned into anything new yet... It'll be fun to know someone this weekend that my teammates dont know. I have to ride the bus tomorrow morning and its cold and snowwy:[ I better go to bed early.


Night.

makes me whole

I'm eager to get out of here. I'm eager to grow up. I'm eager to go west and see the desert. I'm eager to feel the sun everyday. I'm eager to meet someone who makes me feel complete. I'm eager to travel the world. I'm eager to be old enough to love, but young enough to be young.

I want. I want to create something I can be proud of. I want to write a book. I want to make a masterpiece. I want to be remembered. I want to marry young. I want to be successful. I want to love someone more than I love anything on earth. I want to be with someone for the rest of my life. I want to start now.

I don't want. I don't want to end up alone. I don't want to die unknown. I don't want to let life pass me by. I don't want to give up my youth. I don't want to lose the ones I love. I don't want to stay here forever. I don't want to dissappoint my peers. I don't want to dissappoint myself. I don't want to lose who I am.

It's sleeting

dance is cancelled... the first time in probably a year! All I have to do is work on my two papers that are practically done. I guess i should get working on that. I can't stop listening to patd right now. I've been listening to the compilation of all their cd's on repeat for like a week straight. Usually I get bored by then. The sleet is so bad outside right now... there is a layer of ice covering everything and it's hard to even walk without slipping and falling over. It's so gray outside. My mood feels gray too :/ I just want to break out of this and do something extraordinary. I want to do something drastic.

school sucks

Today I had to go back to school. It was not as awful as I thought it'd be, but I'm dreading the two major projects I have due a week from today. At least I've started them.
I am really lonely. I don't mean that I'm lonely at school, but I just feel... I dont know. By myself. I dont know if anyone can truly relate to me. Maybe my brain works differently than everyone's here. It pisses me off that I have to stay in this town for 5 more years. Its bad enough that I have to make it through senior year, but I cant stand the thought of being here for college. If it wasn't so cheap, I'd jump at the opportunity. But unless some school really wants me or I get some financial aid, It looks like I'm stuck here. I'm sitting here drinking my green tea, wondering why the splenda I put in it didnt desolve. Its just sitting at the bottom, and my tea is definately not sweet. Life just seems to happen that way, at least for me.
Here's who I am- I'm the girl who has a pretty good life, but always wants something different. I'm getting better at appreciating what I have, but I still cant shake the yearning to be somewhere new. I wonder what its like for someone else who lives in a completely different place. Maybe that's why I like new kids so much. Or maybe thats why I wish I was one of those kids who could move somewhere and start over. I like the idea of that. It doesn't look like thats going to happen. I'm a generally happy person, but everyone seems to think I mope around. Probably because I don't smile all the time. I have had a hard time smiling lately. But I'm not sure if that's a bad sign... I know that doesnt make sense. But when I dont smile naturally, It helps me know who I really appreciate. The people who make me smile give me that smile that I can't wipe from my face- the one that stays on my face for a few minutes after they leave. It really makes me realize who I'm naturally happy around.
I'm too easy to trust people, but I have trust issues. Once someone does something that hurts me, I can't help but to always think of them that way. I guess its just how my mind works. Music lately fills my head. I feel like its pulsing through my veins. I want to know what all the lyrics mean. My parents both got blackberry storms. Now they've officially gotten better phones than my blackberry pearl. It kind of stinks but I'll just buy myself a nicer blackberry whenever one comes out. That sounded really snobby and stuck up. I suppose it was sort of a snobby thought. I should work on not being snobby. Nobody likes that characteristic.
I should create a new years resolution list.
I can work one by one on each task. That's my new plan.

Goodday.

another day...

I have a lot of obsessions.
but Rent was my first one. I wouldn't know whether to call it an obsession or love. I have never felt that way about anything and I still dont. I'm a genuine renthead you could say. Ask me anything about it. I bet you I know the answer without needing to think about it. I've met adam pascal and anthony rapp. going to see them again for a second time in april and hopefully a third time in may. I've seen the show 7 times live. hated the movie, like any other original renthead. Daphne is my favorite mimi, even if she doesnt have the best vocals ever. Justin Johnson IS angel. I've seen him like 4 times and hes going on tour again. Fredi walker is my favorite joanne. Anthony is by far the best mark and Frenchie Davis is a powerhouse SOL soloist. If you ever need to know anything about rent, turn to me.
I think rent triggered the obsessive side of my brain. The next one that hit me in eight grade was with a certain rockstar. I can't say that one has faded a whole lot, but i've definately let that one die down in comparison to rent. I actually wouldn't call that a voluntary obsession. That is more what I'd like to call fate. See I don't believe in coincidence. There's no such thing. There is some greater force up there controlling everything, making things happen for a reason. So when my mother or a friend says wow what a coincidence, I just roll my eyes and agree with them to avoid arguement.
I had my miniature obsessions if you could even call them that. I had this thing when I completely wanted to be a scenester. I idolized HannaBeth and started dressing in funkier clothes. Actually to other people, it seemed like I had really changed myself. To me, I think that's when I found myself. I had to go to my extreme to find my normal. This past summer at point park was when I really realized I wasn't made to be a hardcore girl, but funky clothes were definately part of me, and that my personality suited a more 'nice girl' life.
Then there's obviously Twilight... but I mean with this many prior obsessions, it was impossible to avoid me getting caught up in this series. It was like nothing I'd ever read before and I devoured them. I remember I was so antsy for breaking dawn to come out. And when I heard it was bad, I got super nervous and almost didnt want to read it. The movie was a big thing too, going to the midnight showing was definately something I will never forget. Its a shame they couldnt do the movie better though. I was pretty dissapointed.
Here's an interesting example that you can't force yourself into obsessions. I went to see the Jonas brothers when they came here. I didn't really care for them, I didnt even know any of thier songs. I went with a few friends who are obsessed with them. My friend and I ended up winning front row seats and they were the best seats in the house cause they were right on the center where they walked the little catwalk thing. Well it was at that concert where, just like every other girl in that stadium, I swore nick kept looking at me. It was like everytime he came closer to my side we'd lock eyes and then he'd look away... but then look back. Now that I have more sense in me I know he probably wasnt even looking remotely close to me, but just scanning the section. But man the few months after that I pushed myself so hard into being obsessed with them, and I'll tell you it worked pretty good for a while. But it started to fade away. Dont get me wrong I'm kind of a fan and I have a lot of respect for what they're doing, but I just cant compare it to my love for some other stuff/people.

All in all, I just really needed that release. I can't talk to anybody about this sort of thing. No one seems to understand, and I just come across as a crazy person. But now that I've published this I feel a lot better. And if no one reads this post as long as I live, it wont make a hint of a difference to me.
Goodnight

decisions

I hate that I already have to decide what I'm doing this summer.
Its very frustrating.
Other news:
I think I'm over the worst of this. It got really bad a little over a week ago. It intensified and now I think its dying down a little. I don't want to say anything for certain, because I don't know if this'll just come right back in a week or two, but I really hope that this was the worst of them all.
My stomach really hurts right now. I need to finish Helter Skelter by tomorrow night. That seems slightly impossible, due to the fact I'm not even half way through and I have about 300 pages left to read. I dont even know what this report is all about. I guess I should concentrate on getting that done asap. I'll probably have to BS the whole thing, which I hate to do, but I have no idea how to write a 4 page book review... especially on a nonfiction book. Its just fact and its hard to write things about fact.
Summer issues have just been resolved, though, thanks to a creative friend! Now I'm very excited.
I suppose its bed time.
Agenda for tomorrow:
wake up, drink green tea, eat special k, work out, sit and read in sauna, come home, eat lunch, go to dance, come home, read, eat dinner, go to work, come home, go to bed. wow how eventful.

Goodnight.... or goodmorning

I remember

I was just going through all my old facebook messages when I stumbled on something that was super important to me a few years back. I was 14/15 at the times the messages were sent. I regret talking to him after that first one. If I hadn't sent another message I wouldn't be sitting here now feeling like a huge idiot. It was his facebook profile, and at the time he hadn't had many friends on there. The first message was good... a little long, but I didnt sound bad. He replied and seemed impressed that I didnt sound like every other kid he got a message from. The other messages I sent him were just plain embarassing. I pity him... yet he still replied sometimes. I think he really cared about the fans, even though they were annoying. I'm glad his profile is gone. Now I cant be tempted to email him anymore. I have to let things happen as they do and not disturb nature. The end.

Another late night

Its a new year

And all I can think about is getting my prince.

Maybe he wont be who I've always imagined.

But there's always that dream.

I want to work on things this year.

2009 is supposed to be my best year ever.

I don't want to wait to meet the man I'm going to spend my life with.

Why can't it be now? This year?

That would be the best year ever.